I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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