By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
