How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
