He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize