I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Randomize