i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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