if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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