it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Four minutes until I can fart!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
