my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
