Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize