I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
