Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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