Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
