she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize