Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
