a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
