She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
