You work out of a Hotel?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He better not be in your backpack
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
