so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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