I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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