she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Randomize
