Your tits are I can't wait for
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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