when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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