Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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