please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
they need to just BURY HIM!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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