if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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