im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
