remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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