Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
