he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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