remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Please don't give away my fajitas
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
