i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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