I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
