this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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