he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
