Your face is a jimmy john
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
