the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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