it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
