I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
