I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
