that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
