I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
