Do you still have your period?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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