You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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