On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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