Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
