I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
