Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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