Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
