we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
