Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I deserve this hangover.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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