My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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