Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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